It has been a year and a half since we have stepped foot into a fertility office. Over a year since I have been excited about a fourth IVF cycle. I spent a lot of time trying to decipher in my heart the questions my head was being filled with. Was the financial, physical and emotional risk just too much? Or was this lack of excitement, hope and belief my heart telling me that it was time to move on?
With every ounce of my gut feeling that another cycle wouldn’t work again, I found myself in complete shutdown mode. Overwhelmed and closed off. I honestly couldn’t stand to read posts within patient groups I had become a part of. I found myself browsing over posts that talked about success in “cases” that appeared exactly the same as our situation. A new lab, doctor or protocol being used didn’t excite me anymore. All of those successes “should” have excited me, “should” have made me dream and be hopeful about a fourth cycle working. Instead, I would read past the words not retaining what they said and felt ZERO feelings that it would happen for us. I vividly remember sitting down with Kris while out to dinner one night and saying, “Be honest, Do you feel like it will work for us?”
Both of us were complete “no’s”, zero hesitation in our answer besides thinking we were letting down the other. Now what? We were the people that were going to fight until it worked. We are the strong and determined couple. It had to work, there was no other option.
I began to wonder if those feelings of disconnect to further fertility treatments were God closing the door that I had prayed so fervently for him to if it was not in his will. Maybe they were my way of protecting my heart because it had been hurt so badly over the previous two years? To say three failed IVF attempts and seven lost embryos changed me would be a huge understatement. I am pretty great at putting on a brave face but the reality is it hurt so badly and I am emotionally a much different person now. We literally went through a process of grieving the idea of something and let me inform you that grieving the idea of something is not any easier.
A baby is literally the ONLY thing in my life up to this point I have not been able to do for myself. I really feel like God worked both our hearts to a point that even if we could figure out the finances or get my body physically ready that “we” still could not make it happen. It had to be in God’s will right now. I could do everything differently and I would never be guaranteed a different outcome. I believe to the core of my being that I could have been the most relaxed person on the planet and the Lord would have still closed this door and ultimately closed my womb. Because it was his will. I believe that every single minute, hour and day of waiting had purpose. All the waiting has and is changing us; it is softening our hearts, opening our eyes beyond what we can see in ourselves and making God’s vision clearer with each step. Over the past year I have believed wholeheartedly that God puts us where we are, so that he can take us where he wants us to go. That sometimes the obstacles put in our way, aren’t a hindrance at all but an opportunity to do what he has planned for us. That he is preparing us for something months or years later. We feel a vision from him and we are blossoming where we are right now. We know that he can change our circumstances in a day and the reality is that timing is everything and it usually doesn’t have anything to do with us but everything to do with his will and his vision coming to life.
God will find us, prime us and see us through as we live out his vision for us. God will take care of the how if we take care of the what.
This brings us to today. We are beyond excited, scared and completely trusting the call that has been placed on our hearts. We don’t believe this call was placed randomly and we believe it is 100% God’s will. Our “what” is adoption, our “how” is to be determined.
Please prayerfully follow along on our journey. God is writing an amazing story and this is just the beginning.