Have faith & trust God.
We get told this all the time right? This phrase is thrown around and I am completely guilty of saying it to others often. Telling them to trust God completely and know that He is working all things for their good. That He makes no mistakes and will provide and answer prayers in His way and timing. That we won’t understand what he is doing now but we will someday.
While I truly believe all of these things, it doesn’t mean that I am immune from being filled with worry, fear, doubt and the need to control when life becomes overwhelming.
Part of me feels that being a female just puts you at larger risk for riding that emotional rollercoaster more often. We were just inherently made to feel more than men.
In reality, those feelings are bred from a combination of what I have been exposed to in my life. They are behaviors I have witnessed in other women growing up, defense mechanisms I have deployed when my life felt out of control and the ways of the world.
Friends, adoption is a time in my life where I feel completely out of control.
I like to compare our road to Baby C as this super long winding fog filled road. There are patches of heavy thick fog and there are also patches where it thins and lifts, but for the most part it has been a haze. The fog is the fears and unknowns. What if I mess this up? What if I make the wrong decision?
My instinct way of dealing with the fear, doubt and worry that comes from stressful, unknown, unstable situations is to think I need to control them.
For example, when we found out we needed to do IVF and then when we heard the news that our 3rd IVF didn’t work my hope was deeply crushed. My confidence that IVF was God’s answer was shot down and I doubted, feared and felt completely out of control. I wanted so badly to be in control of my emotions, the next steps and the outcome. Having a biological baby became my sole focus. My mind was completely closed to the idea of adoption or that we couldn’t make it happen the way we wanted.
Never in that actual moment did I think that maybe God wanted us to take a different path?
I am so thankful and grateful that the Lord met me at this low point. He showed me that the control I was trying to gain over our infertility was never mine to begin with. Life doesn’t happen on my timing or the way that I want it. My life, purpose and future are all His! He showed me that I don’t have to walk the foggy road alone and when I fully trust him and lean into him that the fog thins.
Waiting in adoption is really hard. Every day my heart becomes more ready and attached to our baby. So much more than I thought I could ever be without seeing or knowing him or her.
We had a hard day earlier this week; the devil was hammering away at me on finances and fundraising, choices and decisions, using support systems to hurt us and instilling worry.
That evening, I found my quiet space, cranked my worship music, opened Jesus Calling and read His promises and words. I am so thankful that the Lord puts people in my way to say, “Megan, you don’t have to do this alone. God will not let you mess this up, you can’t.”
I was also reminded and know that any decision we make is going to have to be in utter and complete faith. Every decision we make will have unknowns and scary parts but I also feel so confident and at peace that the Lord will not let us mess this up. He wants us to step out in complete faith and trust. I know that He will make it so clear to us when we are in the deepest fog to take one more big step and the fog will lift, the road will become clear and the light and the end will shine bright. The Lord will smile and say, they trusted me… Now look what I have for you.
Until then, we keep praying, waiting and asking fervently for that clear nudge.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:7
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
When I went to hit publish on this post, one of my favorite songs was playing. Do yourself a favor and listen, it speaks to me so differently each time I hear it (Hillsong, Oceans).
Kris & Megan