For the past two months we have seen situations come through our email. Once a situation comes you have a short time to read the profile, pray and decide if your family wants to present to the expectant Mama.
Every email stops time, gets my blood flowing and creates a pitter patter in my heart. I try to quiet my mind and just feel my initial emotion. Pray to God and not over think. Let’s be real…this is a life, a human being… how do you not overthink it?
Do I feel a connection to this expectant mama? Am I genuinely excited? Does this one make my heart feel a different beat of emotion?
Minutes later those same thoughts turn into fearful questions.
How much does it cost? Can we afford it? Can I get comfortable with the specifics of the situation? How soon is it? What about daycare? Oh, crap… I don’t even have a car seat? I can talk myself in and out of everything all day long.
I take time to process. Quiet my mind and talk with the Lord. Finish walking my mind through a completely crazy circle and find myself back to that original question of how did I initially feel?
Will it be the best day of my life if I get the call that we were picked? Will I be over the moon excited? Is there something about this situation that just feels right or meets our preferences? And ultimately, is the Lord prompting me?
I try to put all of my fears, inhibitions and trust in the truth I know. That this decision has already been made for me. My Father already knows the ending to this story and I can’t mess it up.
Putting a yes on the table is scary and meaningful, when returned with a yes it will change my life + our life + her life + a baby’s life forever.
For months the Lord has worked in our hearts. We have felt peace that we didn’t know existed. We have had no choice but to lean in hard and ask the Lord to put the devil out of our minds. To make fear leave, start making the funds available and put the right people in our path for support so that we can present and put our yes on the table confidently.
The weight of the wait is painful. It literally rips my heart and mind apart each time we pass on presenting. It creates doubt in what I am searching for and it creates judgement from outsiders who don’t understand our walk. All day I pray and think of each expectant Mama and precious baby. I can’t get the images, stories and hard to understand struggles out of my mind. I want to show each of them how loved they are. I want them to know personally the Lord’s redemption and grace he gives so freely. I want each one to be “the one”.
I have never doubted that we made the wrong decision.
I have complete peace and trust that those babies weren’t ours.
I have seen the Lord put roadblocks and things in our way to not present.
I know when we are matched it will all make sense.
We aren’t looking for “perfect” but we are faithfully trusting the Lord to show us “right.”
Throwing your yes on the table also requires boldly throwing your fears to the Lord.
For now, we ask the Lord in every situation, “Is this my baby?”
– Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers and support. We are blessed!